billy bob and the trooper.

Some beauts I heard recently:



Some pretty stupid replies!!

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas ..
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ..."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
 
LOL Al, talking about monkey business: I wish I had time to post the accompanying pictures. You'll get the idea from just the script:



PESKY NOUNS



The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic
collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a

Herd of cows,

Flock of chickens,

School of fish,

And a Gaggle of geese, and


A Pride of lions.

However, less widely known is:

A Murder of crows,


(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),


An Exaltation of doves,

And, presumably because they look so wise:

A Congress of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.

They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious,
Most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.........
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

?

?

Believe it or not……. A Parliament!


YEP....A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS!
Pretty much explains everything doesn't it?


You just can’t make this stuff up.

Note: I checked these group names out and they are real.
 
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Montana when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
 
I was sick and in the hospital.

There was one nurse that just drove me crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,

'And how are we doing this morning'

Or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry ?'

I had had it with this particular nurse.

One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bed side stand.

Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.

So you know where the juice went !



The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.

'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. '

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

The nurse fainted.......... I just smiled
 
A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer:



Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'



Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.



Grady - 'My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties.'



Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'



Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'



Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'



Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'



Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'



Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his

bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'



Brad - 'Beer tastes disgusting. My brother told me it makes you think the girls are pretty. With his girlfriend I would need an awful lot of beer.'
 
Just before i go to bed, I told myself that I will go read a few things on the forum to make myself a little sleepy but ended on this tread. Now it's 1.5 hrs that I am reading this owl tread, laughing like crazy and guess what, I will have to go watch this boring TV to get asleep. Thanks for all these funny things it just make my day
 
theboss said:
Just before i go to bed, I told myself that I will go read a few things on the forum to make myself a little sleepy but ended on this tread. Now it's 1.5 hrs that I am reading this owl tread, laughing like crazy and guess what, I will have to go watch this boring TV to get asleep. Thanks for all these funny things it just make my day
Click to expand...

LOL, I had a night like that a few days ago -- only I got to bed about 5 am!!!!

I was dragging my hynie for a couple days -- the laugh was good tho -- was fun at the time.....:rofl:

C.
 

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